3 Simple Ways To End And Mend A Lovers Quarrel

We all fall prey to it: the lover's quarrel. Tempers can escalate quickly, and what was a simple misunderstanding or lack of communication suddenly turns into a deluge of insults and raised voices; and it usually ends with each in his or her corner angry and even despondent. 

But there is hope. There are things you can do to mend the situation and even grow in your relationship.

1. Find what part you played in the quarrel and own it: Unless the relationship is an abusive one, these quarrels don't just happen--it takes two people to mix it up. The starting point of mending is you. If you started it, find the stressor--what led to the frustration in the first place. If you didn't start it, pin-point what you did that fueled it. That's where you'll reach the next step...

2. Apologize for your part: This is really hard--even harder than seeing where you went wrong. What fuels quarrels is pride, so when we see our part, own it, and apologize to our loved one for it, we are no longer fueling the conflict. This is humility--and quarrels can't last in such an environment. You aren't trying to solve your lover's side of it--just your own. 

3. Forgive: This is even harder than #2. Sometimes we want to hold onto the anger, and hold it over our loved one. We want the power of being the innocent one, and thus make our partner suffer under us; we feel we deserve to be angry, and seek our own trumped up justice. But this just fuels the chaos, bringing more ammunition to the tired drawn out fight. Who wins a knife fight? Nobody. It's the same with holding grudges and refusing to forgive. Forgiveness requires humility, and as mentioned above, a lovers' quarrel can't survive in it. You want to end the quarrel? Forgive.

These are 3 simple steps to write down, but very difficult to put in practice. Relationships are hard work. They take a lot of love and humility and patience and forgiveness. Often our partner shows us the worst sides of ourselves--the sides we do everything to hide from others; no wonder we quarrel and lack grace and forgiveness. But this is also where our partners can help us grow and become more alive and human; for through the conflicts can come humility and love and forgiveness--the very things that make life truly worth living.