7 Ways To Have More Friends, Become A Greater Human Being, and Be More Authentic

We all want to do better at having relationships. As social beings hardwired for community, being able to foster relationships is an important part of thriving as a human being. Sometimes we fall into ruts or into fixed ways of looking at the world. Sometimes we act selfishly, seeking only our own desires over against the comfort and dignity of the other. Sometimes we are too self-centred to remember another human being’s name. Sometimes we want our ideas to rise to the top at the expense of everyone else’s around us. Sometimes we treat others around us as possessions and not as unique human beings with free will and inalienable rights. Sometimes we use people as objects for our own ends instead of as ends in themselves. 

All of these orientations to the other lead to breakdowns and break-ups in relationships. If you’re married and treat your spouse as a mere object for your own ends, chances are you’re marriage is not a healthy one. If you have co-workers whom you ignore or disrespect through tireless ambition and unflappable contempt, then chances are your workplace isn’t healthy and while your co-workers may obey you, they certainly don’t respect you. 

Inspired by Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, here are a few tips that might help you develop, repair, and even restore relationships with others. 

1. Don’t criticize others: When you criticize people you create an unsafe space for them to make mistakes, fail, and try again, which are, incidentally, critical to developing as a human being. People don’t always like to hear a critic spouting off negativity. And often critics are those who are somehow distanced from the thing they’re criticizing; they're often those who tear down rather than build--indeed polar opposites of one another. 

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation: This requires seeing the good in people and ignoring the bad. Often when we judge others, we’re judging what we don’t like in ourselves. Often the voice of judgment is a mask that covers our own shame and inadequacy. When we are ok with our own shortcomings and our own failures, we can see and appreciate the good in others. When we encourage people out of that place of authenticity, we create a space around us for safety and community.

3. Treat the other as an end in him/herself: What this means is that each of us is a free human being. We have free will, meaning we can make our own choices, have our own tastes, and pursue our unique purpose in life. Where difficulties emerge is when we try to use other people as a means to our own happiness. Carnegie called this “arousing in the other person an eager want,” which means arousing in the other person a desire to want what you want to “get what we want from the other person. It’s important to work with people—but not to use them as objects for your own desires. Working with people is helping one another achieve freely what he/she wants to do, not manipulating another to work toward your advancement.

4. Become genuinely interested in other people: This comes out of care for others, which isn’t always easy to achieve. The emphasis here is on “genuine.” To genuinely care for someone means you respect that persons way of seeing and being in the world. It means you care about their beliefs, ideas, dreams, and even pain. It means you are there to help the other when or if he or she is in need. It means care, not for yourself or in what the other can ultimately do for you or advance for you, but simply in themselves as unique, free, and equal.

5. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically: This takes tremendous humility—how many of us hate being wrong? It’s easier to stick to your guns and fire away than, even when you no longer believe your own opinion, than admit you fell short. But this is important for being in community with others. Sometimes you need to ask forgiveness. Sometimes you have to humble yourself to the other to restore the relationship. It doesn’t mean letting another walk all over you; but it does take humility and authenticity to admit you’re wrong for the purpose of maintaining a relationship. So many relationships that could have been beautiful are destroyed because of pride and brittleness.

6. Communicate simply: One of Carnegie’s points is “Dramatize your ideas. Truth isn’t enough—it has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.” No. Truth reveals itself as truth; and often it’s not when we’re being entertained to death by bells, whistles, and shiny things. Truth is often quiet, sober, and present. The term ‘bombastic’ comes from ‘bombast’ which was a word used to describe fluff that’s used to stuff something; hence, to be bombastic means to say things that are unbalanced in terms of thought and the manner used to express that thought. Don’t dramatize your ideas; state them simply and honestly. 

7. Be gracious: Treating people with grace means to overlook wrongs, and be forgiving. Again, it all comes back to ourselves. And overlooking wrongs doesn’t mean you don’t acknowledge a wrong or don’t communicate with the other about it; but it means being willing to forgive the other without holding grudges or trying to get even. Carnegie’s point in this was to get people to like you so they’ll work for you or advance your cause, but that’s not authentic. Being gracious, again, is an orientation to others for the purpose of being in community with them, of having relationships with them, of bringing your vulnerabilities, your shortcomings to the table and engaging truly and authentically. You offer grace, and by virtue of that you are creating a safe place for others to be gracious also. 

We all need relationships. People these days are often skeptical of relationships because our society is growing more self-centred. We can see when someone is being fake with us, or using us for his or her own ends. When we try to build authentic relationships, we are making ourselves available for true community; and by virtue of that we are becoming more human. 

Carnegie’s book laid out a plan to influence people toward one’s ends. As much as the points in his book seem genuine—at least that’s a word he uses consistently—it has an air of pomposity to it that doesn’t sit right. And forming friendships is not an act of winning—as if another human being is a trophy you’ve earned—but an act of humility, vulnerability, sometimes weakness, and a lot of give-and-take. In the end, you have a friend; but o’ how quickly that relationship can be destroyed when the other’s dignity and freedom are for an instant compromised or mishandled.