Gear Up With Your High-Tech Mall Survival Kit

So you've decided against the advice of a friend or loved-one, and decided to battle out the mall to find those perfect gifts. You should know better; but something compels you to get your shopper on, party like it's 1999, and shop till you drop--only now you're 48 years old, and feel way too old... 

Before you head out there to the mall, you have to take advantage of the technological world that has emerged since you were 18 and considered a 'mall rat'. You've got to have the right gear. This is an updated version of last year's Mall Survival Kit: 

1. Boost Oxygen in a bottle: 

When bottled water just won't do, you've gotta amp up your game, and this stuff will do it. Feel faint from trying on 15 different outfits at Lululemon? Lightheaded from the pounding music and glaring fluorescent lights that make you wonder what the human race has digressed to? Just pull that bottle of oxygen out of your bag, take a good puff, and carry on!

2. HiSmart Bag--the bag that takes calls:

But the bag you blithely stuffed your bottled oxygen into isn't an ordinary bag--it's your lifeline. For you can't just have any bag; you've got to have a bag that'll keep your hands free, as well as hold your gear. In addition to keeping your wallet, keys, phone--even tablet--this bag is loaded with other features like a GPS, texting, even music playback. Missed that phone call from your child with a last-minute Christmas wish, your bag will vibrate to let you know. 

3. Heelys Shoes for Adults:

There's nothing designed for the mall like Heelys. And no, they're not just for kids anymore. Why it's taken so long for adults to realize that not only do Heelys look way too fun, but could also be real practical, especially if you live a primary sedentary modern life. Take these to the mall and run circles--literally!--around your competition.

4. A Spy-watch:

Got an old clunker of a watch, circa 2005? Drooling over that Apple Watch whose outlandish price you just can't justify? Look no more--or look more: The Kairos T-Band will turn your old clunker into the equivalent of a  Tesla Model S. Text, surf--whatever--on that old Casio of yours. And you'll need it when you're rolling through the mall with bags attached to every appendage...

5. Climate-Controlled Clothes

You're running some bags to your vehicle, and dreading the chill. Your arm's sweating from carrying your blasted coat around the mall with you--should've worn your climate controlled sweater. This one will go from zero to 100 degrees at the flip of a button with eight different levels of climate control. No more dragging your coat around the mall floor or sweating under it under the hot lights of Hollister.

6. Drug-Free Pain Relief

Got a migraine coming on from the pounding music and strobes? Feeling that hamstring pain again from dragging 20 shopping bags on each arm? Don't worry about Advil or Tylenol--you've got your pain covered with this high-tech Quell leg band. This is wearable tech that sends signals to your nerves that cause them to block pain. Now you can shop and walk endlessly pain free.

7. Biometric Shirt

You're rushing around the mall sweating then freezing, guzzling oxygen and water, and playing through the pain. What else do you need but a biometric shirt that will monitor your heart rate, stress levels, breathing depth, and energy output. 

A friend of mine once said, if you're going to do something, make sure you look good doing it. In the case of Christmas shopping, it's best to take advantage of the technology available to you--and if you look good doing it, all the better...