You look over at the 20-something couple sitting blithely in the Aston Martin--they always seem to be laughing, sipping their uber-cool Starbucks drinks, in clothes that haven't felt the touch of greasy fingers or the wag of a dog's tail, and looking all too rested for anyone's good. Then you turn to your reality: a bedraggled mini-van stuffed with kids awaiting their next escape from the seatbelt's grip with more energy than the Duracell Bunny on a six of Red Bull.
Feeling alone? Well you're not...
Here are 7 things you are probably going through right now that the millennials in the Aston Martin have absolutely no idea about.
1. Inopportune potty breaks: Why is it the three year old has to urgently potty the minute you pull into the parking lot of a grocery story, or, worse yet, your spouse or partner leaves you in the van with the kids while "picking up a few things"? Count how many times this happens, and you'll be amazed. It's like their little bladders are set with location-reminders.
2. Impromptu unbuckling: There's nothing worse than buckling your child in--bearing the high winds, rain, or sweltering sun while doing so--then hopping into the driver's seat, turning the vehicle on, ramming it into drive, and ready to back out when he/she yells out, "I'm unbuckled!" Seriously. It's just as bad when you're waiting for your spouse in the car, and your youngest unbuckles to go mountain climbing in the front seat, messing with your dials and rummaging through your glove compartment.
3. Older kids fighting for who gets front seat: Something as trivial as sitting in the front seat becomes ammunition for vehicle civil war: the clawing, the screaming, the gnashing of teeth. You wish you could relent, give them both the front seat, while you take a months over-due siesta in the back seat.
4. Back seat head stands: Does anyone else's children do this? It's worse when the older ones try it and kick their dirty shoes all over the ceiling of the vehicle and then hurtle themselves into the back of the van. What's worse than that is when they try to carry on a conversation with you while you're bribing them to sit back down in their seats.
5. Unflagging interjections: You finally have a few minutes of quiet time while driving. You lean over to your spouse to have an aside about the day, and overall just get caught up on adult stuff, when your children, who, up until that point have been completely silent, break out into a cacophony of questions, interjections, and skirmishing. The verbal interjections are bad; the hums, erupting songs, and animals calls are enough to drive you batty--or to the nearest shrink.
6. Incessant audiobooks: Kids love to listen to audiobooks on long trips; but it gets to the point when Jack and Annie for the 20th time is really old and lame and intolerable. You try to balance the vibe with some John Coltrane or Maria Callas. After an eternal 30-seconds of child-protesting and weeping and wailing, you relent to a 21st play of the Magic Tree House, longing for noise-reduction headphones.
7. Unsanitary interior: You were probably the guy who prided himself on the ultra-clean car. Maybe you spent hours on weekends washing and detailing it inside and out; and you swore to the motor-gods you'd never let your vehicle get trashed out like your friend with the four kids and the bedraggled mini-van--until it happened! Three kids and a mini-van later, and the interior of your vehicle is a trash can--perhaps even smells like one. How did that happen? You long for the day when they're all in college and you can trade in the van for an Aston Martin DB10--just like Bond.
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